Breathing Underwater
by Casualtyfan9
Summary: Based on the winter trailer, Jason and Serena are involved in some kind of accident but who will survive and how will hhey cope with the consequences? TW. Character death, some mention of PTSD in later chapters, some mild language
1. Chapter 1

"Jason!" The day had been going pretty well and they were all going to go out for dinner but as Serena was crossing the road a car sped out of nowhere and Jason jumped in last minute, pushing her out of the way as she froze and then he took the full impact. Serena took a minute to register what had happened and then turned to see Jason laid on the floor not moving

"Jason! Bernie you have to save him please."

"I'll do my best darling. Raf, could you take Serena up to AAU and give her the once over despite her stubbornness."

"No Bernie I have to stay with him he needs me, he'll panic and..."

"Serena I'll be with him, you're in shock, you need to go upstairs, get yourself sorted, give yourself time to process it all and then you can be strong for Jason"

"I..." She stopped as she burst into tears, "Bernie, don't let him die. I need him. I need you."

"I'll come and check on you as soon as we've got him sorted now go on, I'll take good care of him" she nodded and let Raf lead her to a wheelchair. Her whole body slumping over as she tried to process it all.

As they entered AAU Raf signalled for Fletch to join him. "Fletch, this is Serena Campbell 49, involved in an RTC she was almost hit, pushed out off the way by Jason at the last minute, he's coming up soon with Ms Wolfe, She seems fine physically except for a few cuts and bruises, BP 120/80, GCS 15 SATs at 98%. She is rather unresponsive and seems to be in pretty severe shock. We need to check her over though to make sure she's not got any hidden injuries."

"Okay Bay 7 please"

"Right can I have FBC's U and E's and LFT just to make sure. Serena do you have any pain anywhere." She started to shake her head and then stopped

"Uh my stomach a bit I don't know, I just feel numb everywhere. Is he okay? Has he come up yet? Raf?"

"I'm sure Bernie's doing everything she can for him. You just focus on you for now. Can I have a feel of your abdomen?" She nodded and he started performing an examination "Right abdomen is a bit distended and tender to pressure. Can I get an ultrasound to exclude any fluid please." He then left as Bernie brought Jason in.

"Right this is Jason Haynes 25, involved in a high speed RTC he was hit at approximately 50 mph after pushing Serena out of the way. Ko'd the whole time. BP's 80/40 GCS 8 SATs at 60%. Decreased breath sounds in the lower right quadrant, crush wounds to the lower legs, severe laceration to the forehead with significant blood loss, suspected fractures to both legs, likely need for amputation" she paused as Serena had gasped loudly having been listening the whole time. Bernie looked to her sympathetically before continuing. "Possible bleed to the lower abdomen, okay FBC's U and E's, LFT's, amylase and clotting. Crossmatch 4 units of O neg, order a CT, ultrasound, urine and bloods please. Right let's look at these legs. Okay prepare theatre I can just about save the right but I'm afraid the left will have to be amputated.

"Ms Wolfe, I don't think he's strong enough for surgery yet."

"Yes Cameron I know, we'll get him stable first. But we have to do everything we possibly can."

"I know but are you sure you're not letting personal connections get in the way?" she just glared at him and he stopped talking.

Meanwhile Raf was carrying out an ultrasound on Serena who was just staring absentmindedly into space.

"Okay Serena this'll be a bit cold" he said as he put the gel onto her stomach. "okay, yes there's some fluid in your abdomen which we'll need to drain, other than that you've been very lucky." She let out a small cry as she thought of Jason "I'm sorry, that was thoughtless of me."

"She said they might have to amputate his legs."

"Well I'm sure she'll only do it as a last resort." Serena wasn't listening though as the tears finally fell down her cheeks. Crying for the boy she thought of as practically a son. Raf just put his arms around her and held her as she cried.

"Okay... Right he's stable enough. Surgery now!"

"Ms Wolfe I don't think you should be operating on him" Cameron said

"I need to I promised Serena besides who else is there?"

"Serena will understand, you're too close to this..."

"I'm the only trauma surgeon."

"Ms Wolfe, mum. Other people can do it. You can assist but I don't think you should lead."

"Cam..."

"You know I'm right Mum."

"I..." She then started crying "I just don't want to let him or Serena down. I have to do this. For them."

"Please mum, you need to be completely focused and at your best in there." She just nodded conceding.

"Get Raf, he can manage this one." Cameron nodded, patting Bernie's arm gently and then leaving. She then walked over to Serena's bay

"What? Shouldn't you be with Jason?"

"I came to tell you he's going into theatre to sort out his legs. One of them is going to have to be amputated but as his next of kin you need to sign the consent forms for them."

"For them? Aren't you doing it?"

"Serena, I feel I'm too close to this case to be entirely objective."

"So you're not operating on him, but its trauma."

"I know Serena, Raf will be doing it assisted by Morven and Fletch. I will watch from the viewing room but I can't do the procedure."

"O...okay." She then signed the form.

"So what's the verdict here?"

"Ummm... I'm fine."

"Serena?"

"You should tell her Ms Campbell" Fletch said.

"Tell me what?"

"Well Serena..."

"Yes thank you Nurse Fletcher. Just some fluid in my abdomen nothing to worry about they can deal with it using medication so I've been discharged. I'll also oversee Jason's operation."

"Serena I..."

"That's enough Nurse Fletcher if you could hurry those discharge forms along I can be out of your hair." He just nodded and soon enough they were stood in the viewing zone as Raf started operating on Jason.

Halfway through the surgery he went into cardiac arrest they managed to get him out of it but when Raf shone a torch from one eye to the other both the pupils had blown and reluctantly he raised his head to Serena and Bernie through the window shaking his head softly.

"Time of death 20.35"


	2. Chapter 2

**Yeah so sorry about that last chapter, I'm a bit brutal in my fanfic's, can't say its going to get much better for a while yet. I hope Jason doesn't actually die... And then I write this anyway 'enjoy'**

Serena just stood and stared for a miniute before screaming "Noooooooooooo!" She then pulled away from Bernie and dropped to the floor. "No, no, no, no."

Bernie sat down next to her, pulling her close and stroking her hair.

"Serena I..."

"You said you'd look after him!"

"Come on you know that's not fair."

"My nephew whom I love as a son is dead. I can get away with being unfair."

"You're right. I'm sorry"

"What am I going to do?"

"Carry on Serena its the only thing you can do."

"Carry... Carry... That's the best advice you can give! Oh I don't blame you really Bernie. Its my fault... If I... If I hadn't... Hadn't... Almost got... Got hit... Then... Then... Then maybe... Maybe he'd... Maybe he'd still be here."

"Serena you can't blame yourself or anyone else for this. It was just terrible terrible circumstances. Shall we go and see him?"

Serena was just staring into space and didn't seem to hear Bernie

"Serena"

"I can't I just can't"

"Its okay, you have time there's no need to rush anything."

"What am I going to do? He... He was always so... So happy... So forgiving. I can't... I just can't see a way forward."

"Not yet and probably not for a while but it'll come. Now let's get you home. He wouldn't want dinner to be late."

"Um actually Bernie... I think I'd rather be alone..."

"But I live there."

"Yes but I just... Want to be alone for now."

"Okay... If you're sure I'll drop you off, grab some things and stay at Cam's tonight."

"Thank you."

"It's fine, but if you need me at any point just call me." Serena nodded and Bernie put her arm around her before leading her to the car.

A few days later and Bernie was still staying at Cam's having been unable to get in at home. She walked into work early that morning only to see Serena with the weird hat she always wore but she didn't really look like herself. She wasn't wearing any makeup and her eyes were red and puffy from crying.

Bernie went to hug her but Serena stopped her.

"Serena..."

"Its the funeral today at 3 for anyone who wanted to turn up." She said, even her voice didn't sound like her. It sounded hoarse and monotonous. Serena then turned to leave but Bernie caught her arm spinning her back.

"How are you coping? I keep trying to come home but..."

"Yes I know I just want to be alone."

"Darling please don't shut me out. Its hard I know but you've got to let people in."

"Oh you know how hard it is do you?"

"Serena please don't let us fight. I understand grief and I know how hard it can be. Just let me help you."

"I... I... I don't... Want help" she said walking off to her office taking her coat and hat off she sat down and started applying her makeup.

Bernie had followed her and was standing in the doorway. "Do you want me to come with you to the funeral?"

"Its fine. I'll meet you there."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes quite sure."

"Serena please my darling let me in, let me help you through this. It'll be much worse on your own. I love you and I want to be there for you just..."

"Stop! Just stop! I don't want your help... I don't need your help. I'm coping perfectly fine. And..." She burst into tears collapsing into Bernie's arms. They just stood there intertwined for what seemed like an age before Serena finally broke away.

"I'm sorry. That was silly of me and unprofessional."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. And don't be silly its me, there's no unprofessionalism involved in this. Also you recently lost your nephew its entirely understandable."

"Its just I know he only came into my life about a year ago and he's my nephew but I loved him like a son and I just can't see life without him."

"I know darling, I know. Let's go to the funeral together and then we can go home, drink wine and talk about all our good memories of him."

"Okay" she said drying her eyes and checking her make up.

Later on at the funeral Serena sat in the front row alongside Bernie and Elinor, wishing she hadn't put make up on as she tried so hard not to cry and then it was her turn to speak.

She barely registered what she was saying and her vision got more and more blurred as the tears fell and her voice became more and more shaky. Eventually she felt an arm around her shoulders and recognized Bernie's scent as she was led to sit down again. Bernie kept her grip on Serena's shoulder the whole time pulling her onto her chest, stroking her hair and whispering gentle words of comfort. Gentle words that would never, could never ease the pain and loss Serena was feeling


	3. Chapter 3

After the service they buried him and then went to the wake in Albie's. Serena didn't want to go but she knew she must. As her Bernie and Elinor all walked to the car Elinor stopped her.

"This is ridiculous mum."

"What... What is?"

"Crying over him he's dead end of."

"Elinor! What's brought this on? I thought you liked Jason."

"I did until I found out you were living with him."

"I..."

"No mum... I'm the last to hear about everything, I was the last to hear about him moving in, I was the last to hear about your sapphic mid life crisis" she said looking Bernie up and down "And I just think you're being ridiculous."

"My nephew whom I loved very much is dead Elinor and its all my fault."

"You only knew him 5 minutes."

"It was almost a year and it was long enough to care for him, I loved him like a son."

"Oh well that's a real slap in the face for me, your real child wasn't good enough so you had to adopt another one."

"I never said that. I love you both equally."

"Equally?! Ha, you know him for a year and you already care about him as much as me who you've known my whole life."

"I really think we should stop this... Serena? Elinor?" Bernie chipped in trying to diffuse the situation.

"Shut up! Who gave you the right to talk to me? You've known her even less time than Jason and you're in love with her?! Its ridiculous. A middle aged straight women suddenly deciding she's into girls and shacking up with an ex army lesbo... Pathetic."

"Elinor! Don't you dare speak to Bernie like that!"

"I can speak to her how I want. I'm an adult and you can't tell me what to do anymore mum. No wonder dad left you, you're just pathetic."

"Thats enough!" Bernie yelled "Serena and I are now going to the wake, you're welcome to come but I think we should leave this argument behind for now and discuss it in a calm manner later."

"Don't bother. I'm not going to bother you with my company any longer. Enjoy mourning over your pathetic excuse of a nephew. Have a good Christmas and don't even bother trying to call me." She then turned and walked away.

"Elinor, Elinor! Elinor!" Serena screamed but Elinor just kept on walking ignoring Serena's desperate cries. "Elinor!" She then collapsed into Bernie again.

"Come on Serena let's go to the wake. Have one drink and then we can go home."

"I just want to go home now."

"One drink, show your face and then we can go I promise." Serena nodded and they both got into the car driving to Albie's.

"When they got there most people were already starting to get drunk and Fletch was about to make a toast and someone frantically shoved two glasses towards them.

"To Jason... The only person who's ever managed to organise me even a tiny bit. Loving nephew and friend Jason."

"Jason!" Everyone said drinking to him

"It seems a bit ironic really, everyone drinking to him when he hated the liquid. Always used to say it damaged your brain cells and made you a bit less smart each glass. He never drank the stuff." Serena said to Bernie tears fresh in her eyes as she remembered going to the bar with him and Robbie and him having orange juice while they drank Shiraz. Jason had said about each glass making you a bit dumber and Serena had joked that it was a wonder she could even move. But now it was Jason's absence that made her feel unable to move rather than his words.

"Serena... Serena?" Bernie said as Serena had slipped into a daze

"Sorry, just memories."

"Good memories?"

"Yes and that's the saddest part. Good memories that will never be again."

"Come on let's get you home and you can tell me all about these memories." Serena nodded as Bernie led her out. Fletch came over to them as he noticed them leaving.

"Leaving so soon?" He asked

"Yeah Serena just wants to go home and I don't really blame her. See you" Bernie said

"Yeah bye... And Serena?"

"Yes"

"It'll get better eventually just hang in there. The pain never really goes away but it becomes just about bearable and one day you'll be able to think of him without being sad... Or so I'm told anyway see ya both and I'm sorry, truly." Serena smiled and then her and Bernie both left.

Back at their house Serena slumped into the sofa and poured herself a large glass of wine. 'You drink too much Auntue Serena' she thought to herself a tear slipping down her cheek. "Yes Jason I do" she said aloud placing the glass down on the coffee table.

"What?" Bernie asked

"I do drink too much."

"No one said..."

"Jason always used to when I poured a very large glass of wine and then he would take the glass and switch it for a smaller one filled with less. It was his little way of taking care of me especially when..."

"When?"

"Um... You left, I drunk most nights and he was the only reason I didn't get liver failure or something." She smiled and then looked sad again.

"One day you'll remember those times and smile like Fletch said"

"Yeah but even he's not at that point yet. How long ago did Natalie die about 2 years ago? And he's still not able to think of those times and just smile. I don't know it feels like we just lose people at regular intervals. There was Jeff from the ambulance service, then Natalie, then Arthur and now Jason I mean I know we work in a hospital but the amount of chaos is ridiculous... Fires and helicopters and terrorists, stabbings and guns and bombs... I don't know how much more I can cope with."

"You cope because you must. We all must. Every death is horrible every trauma but we get through it because we're a family, because we help each other."

"Do you ever feel its just too much? All these young deaths and the heartbreak that follows?

"Maybe but you forget about all the good times, all the times you've laughed and smiled all the times someone's gone above and beyond. Remember the guy with the tap up his... Or our first kiss... And what about when we saw Cam and Morven going into a cupboard but then heard them screaming... We thought they were being murdered or something 'therapeutic screaming' they said..." Serena smiled as Bernie sat down next to her

"I suppose... You know one time near when I first met Jason Elinor had a show and I told her down the phone too break a leg well Jason overheard and was so convinced that I actually wanted to break her leg. He was terrified bless him it took ages but eventually Robbie managed to convince him it was a figure of speech... Hmmmm... But... Now he's gone, she's never going to talk to me again..." She started crying again "sorry, I just can't seem to help it."

"There's no need to apologise, your response is perfectly justifiable. Shall we get to bed, its been a long day and you look like you haven't slept a wink recently."

"It just feels so wrong without his routine."

"I know come on, you need to sleep darling." She nodded

"Wait I should write a note to say I'm having a lie... Oh..."

"Hey its okay habits like that are very hard to break... And very painful, it'll take time. You write your note if you need to"

"No, no we have to start somewhere." She said as she went upstairs followed by Bernie, she walked slowly past Jason's room pausing at the handle "I know its silly but I haven't been in there since. I should probably start clearing it out but I can't"

"Its not silly but look one day when you're ready we can tackle it together" Serena nodded and carried on walking till they got to their bedroom. Serena entered first and started getting changed before climbing straight into bed. Bernie followed suit before climbing into bed alongside Serena.

"I don't think I'll ever be ready because once its cleared out then I feel like he'll really be gone, and I don't think I can cope with that."

"One day at a time my darling, we'll take this one day at a time and eventually you'll think of him and smile,it may be a long way away but one day." Serena smiled softly, tears still brimming in her eyes as she snuggled up to Bernie and fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

In the morning Serena woke up at her usual time and trying not to disturb Bernie she got out of bed to go make Jason breakfast. She knocked on his door gently and then remembered, she opened the door finding everything just as he left it but of course he wasn't there. Holding back her tears she went and sat on his bed before collapsing into his pillow in pain.

Meanwhile Bernie was just waking up and when she noticed Serena wasn't there she carefully got up and went to check the ensuite bathroom, finding it empty she started walking round the house trying to find where Serena was. Finally she noticed Jason's door was ajar so she went in to find Serena on the bed writhing in pain.

"Serena? Serena darling what is it?"

"My... My stomach... Bernie... Bernie it hurts..."

"I know, I know. Hang on I'll call an ambulance" she ran back to their bedroom and got got her mobile before going back to Serena. "Hello... Yes ambulance, ambulance please..."

"Aaaagh Bernie!" Serena cried and Bernie reached across stroking her hair.

"Yes, yes um its my partner... She had fluid in her stomach and said it was dealing with medication but I think its worse... Yes, I know, I'm a doctor... Yes... That's right... Bernie and she's Serena... No I'll unlock it... Yes yes I'll stay on... One minute" she covered the speaker to talk to Serena "Darling are you gonna be okay if I go unlock the door..." Serena nodded gritting her teeth "I won't be long."

About 15 minutes later the ambulance men came up to where they were and got Serena onto the trolley rushing them to hospital. They went through the ED but were then sent up to AAU.

"Right Raf, Fletch, this is Serena Campbell 49 found with severe abdominal approximately 20 minutes ago, Bp 110/70, GCS 14, SATs at 90% on scene. Likely fluid in both her abdomen and lungs, lungs are a definite, Given 5 of morphine for the pain and a chest drain was inserted. SATs have since improved to 93% no other injuries apparent. This is Bernie her partner, she was the one who made the call."

"Okay come on Ms Campbell, Major" Raf said nodding at Bernie "Okay FBCs, U and E's, LFTs and can we get a blood test to rule out an infection. Serena, Serena, Serena what are we going to do with you eh? I'm going to get an ultrasound though I'm pretty certain it will be fluid won't it. Anyway be right back, do you need any more pain meds?" She nodded gritting her teeth. "Okay Fletch give her 5 more of morphine." He then left and Bernie looked at Serena quizzically.

"What did Raf mean about being pretty certain."

"Well... The accident and all that."

"Yes but you had medication for... Oh I see..."

"What do you see?"

"Medication for fluid in the abdomen? That doesn't exist, how stupid can I get?"

"You were under a lot of stress."

"Don't put this on me Serena you lied to me. You said it was all okay."

"I know I'm sorry, I just wanted to get out of here. I wish I'd stayed at least then it would have been quick and a lot less painful."

"Well at least you learnt your lesson." Just then Raf came back in with the ultrasound and scanned her stomach before speaking

"As I suspected there is a lot of fluid on you abdomen and I mean a lot, you're going to need an operation because there's probably a bleed, honestly I'm surprised you've got this far without needing to come in." She just nodded sheepishly

"Sorry Raf."

"It's alright we'll sort you out now." She nodded again

"Serena..."

"Bernie?"

"Well since... Since you're going to have a pretty big surgery and you're not going to be at your best for a bit... Do you... Do you..."

"Oh just say it"

"Do you think you should ring Elinor, let her know what's going on?"

"What?!"

"Well I know the odds of dying are very low but if you did don't you think it would be better if you and Elinor made up first."

"She basically said my grief was pathetic, and my feelings for Jason and for you were pathetic."

"Yes I know but if something went wrong she would feel terrible every time she thought of you because she never made it up to you."

"Fine if you think its right you can call her."

Bernie nodded silently thanking her for changing her mind. She then left to call Elinor whilst Serena just put her head in her hands.

"Ms Campbell are you okay?" Fletch asked.

"Yeah yeah just processing everything. Since when did I have so much drama in my life?"

"Oh come on it's not all bad. I mean you have Bernie supporting you every step of the way. You've got me, Raf, Morven, everyone on AAU has your back."

"It just all a lot for one person to cope with."

"I know, it'll get better though. One day." She nodded and just smiled at him as Bernie came back "Well?"

"Um, she said that's sad um sends her best wishes but she's not coming because A. She doesn't want the inevitable conversation and b. She has nothing to say to you and..."

"And?"

"Um well... She said, she said... She doesn't care... Either way."

"What?!"

"I know anyway I tried talking to her and convincing her otherwise but she seemed adamant. As stubborn as her mother."

"Its fine I'm not surprised..." She drifted off and tears fell down her cheeks

"Its not right. I mean I understand what you're going through but I was a rubbish mum, I deserved it. From what I can tell you're a great mum you don't deserve this. Give me a minute" Bernie said running out with her phone in her hand.

"Bernie!" Serena cried but it was too late

"Hello Elinor, its Bernie again... Yes but I didn't make myself quite clear last time... My relationship has no bearing on this, look your mum who has cared for you and been a pretty damn good mother is about to undergo a major operation. If something went wrong she could die thinking you hate her and you'd never get the chance to put that right... Trust me that's something you would regret for the rest of your life... I don't care about your opinions on Jason or me come to that she is your mother show some respect... Oh suit yourself but the guilt will eat away at you forever and I don't want to see this for Serena... Of course I'll be there I'm not going to leave her... Oh get of your high horse this is the 21st century for goodness sake... Yes I love her... No I won't hurt her... Yes... Yes... No... Look are you coming or not because I should really get back... Right well I'll see you soon thank you Elinor... Okay bye."

She entered Serena's bay with a smile on her face

"Someone's perked up."

"Yes well I just convinced your daughter to come in..."

"She's coming? Oh thank you Bernie."

"Well I know what its like to sit here and your children not want to see you, at least I deserved it." Serena just smiled closing her


	5. Chapter 5

**So here's chapter 5 sorry it been a while and by a while I mean a few days but anyway 'enjoy'**

"Mum?" Serena's eyes snapped open. "Mum its me. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I was jealous... Of Jason and I suppose I was still annoyed about the divorce, well now we know why it wouldn't work."

"Actually its a recent discovery of mine that gender doesn't particularly mean anything."

"Well then the divorce question is still unanswered. I don't get what was so bad you couldn't work it out" Elinor said sounding like her childhood self to Serena.

"He cheated Elinor, your father cheated on me multiple times."

"What? No he wouldn't do that. See you're back to keeping things from me and lying."

"Ellie its the truth. I'm sorry but it is."

"You haven't changed at all. I thought I'd come because I don't want you to die but if you're gonna stay like this... Well..."

"Ellie. Please sweetheart let's sort this."

"Ms Campbell its your theatre slot." Raf said poking his head round the door.

"No, not until I've sorted things with my daughter."

"Ms Campbell, Serena if you don't have this op then you will bleed out and you will die."

"I'm not going till I've sorted things. I don't want to die on an argument."

"Mum, you should..."

"No I'm not going anywhere."

"Serena..."

"Mum..."

"No! No I'm not going! You can't make me. I don't want the operation."

"Serena please" Bernie begged.

"No she's here now we can talk it through. If I go she can run and then I've lost her as well."

"Mum, please you need this."

"No... Aaaagh... I'm not gggoing... To ththththeatre... I..." She started drifting off

"Serena... Nonnnno stay with us right we need to operate right now."

"No! I forbid... I forbid you..."

"Right she's beyond capacity let's go."

"No! No!"

"Wait!" Elinor called

"Elinor she really needs to go now." Bernie said

"Just one minute" she said walking over to Serena and holding her hand "mum I'm sorry... I didn't mean any of it and if you say dad cheated then I believe you... I'm sorry as well... About Jason, it is horrible and he is worth mourning. Anyway you're going to have this operation and I'll see you on the other side, okay? Right well I love you and good luck." Serena nodded

"I... Love... Y-you... Too," she then closed her eyes and Raf rushed her through to theatre.

"Thank you." Bernie said to Elinor "And I'm sorry... About being so harsh earlier."

"No no you were right to be. I was being a cow, and I am happy for you both... Its just..."

"A lot to take in? Don't worry about it my daughters the same in fact she hasn't spoken to me since I told her, she's had a rough time of it what with me always being away and the divorce and then finding out I like girls... Well... You too have a lot in common, I think you'd get on."

A couple of hours later Serena was wheeled back in still unconscious from the anaesthetic. Bernie sat down on one side and Elinor the other, slowly Serena started to wake up, disorientated by her surroundings.

"What?! Where am I? Who?... Bernie" she said smiling as her vision settled and she made out Bernie's figure, slowly she turned her head the other side "Elinor! How lovely. Where's Jason? Is he working Bernie?"

"Serena..."

"Where is he? He must be working or he'd be here."

"Serena... Do you remember Jason passed away."

"Passed a... Oh right how stupid of me... He's dead.."

"That's the effects of the anaesthetic wearing off."

"It was so happy, I dreamt about him and he was happy, I was happy and I have to wake up to this." Bernie stroked her arm and then wiped away the few tears that slipped out.

"Mum?"

"Yes Elinor."

"How are you? Like how are you really?"

"I'm fine. Its alright,"

"I really am sorry for what I said yesterday."

"Don't worry about it. You always did have your father's temper."

"That's your view?! That's your go too answer if I'm misbehaving or rude or stubborn. 'Oh Elinor darling you are so like your father'"

"I don't speak like that."

"'I don't speak like that.'" She mimicked.

"You started apologising and now you seem intent on offending again. Why?"

"Because you offend me when you speak, you think I have the same prejudice against dad."

"Well I'm sorry you feel that way."

"Oh sod off mum."

"What?! You know what?! I'm done with this! Go! I don't want to see you!" Elinor stormed out Serena gasping at what she'd said. "Bernie! Bernie I didn't mean that. Why did I say it? Why do I always say it? No wonder she hates me, I'm a terrible mother I've failed, why?" She started having a panic attack and Bernie jumped in quickly hugging her and calming her down

"Serena calm down, it's okay, I'll sort it. Raf, keep an eye on her I'm gonna go speak to Elinor." She then ran out after her only catching up with her outside the hospital "Elinor wait!"

"What?! What do you want? Come to chastise me about how I spoke to her, you're not my mum and yet you're always here trying to fight our battles for us. Why don't you just back off?!"

"Elinor look I know its hard but she's tearing herself to pieces up there and yes maybe she does say the wrong things but a. You don't always help and b. It doesn't mean she loves you any less. I know its not an excuse but please give her one more chance."

"You said that last time, I gave her one more chance and she blew it. She doesn't deserve another chance. I'm leaving and you should too. She doesn't love you, she'll flirt with anyone. Get out whilst you still can."

"I..."

"Just get out Bernie, for her sake if not your own. She's toxic, and she makes those she loves toxic." Elinor said walking away and leaving Bernie standing there stunned.


	6. Chapter 6

**Heres chapter six. Trigger Warning: PTSD. Also I don't have PTSD so sorry for innacuracies. 'Enjoy'**

Slowly Bernie walked back to Serena trying not to dwell on Elinor's words she knew they were an attempt to poison her against Serena and that wasn't going to work. When she reached the door she hesitated before walking in.

"Bernie! She's not coming back is she." Bernie slowly shook her head "I've screwed up good and proper this time. As usual. I'm toxic." That final word echoed in Bernie's ears and she froze.

"Bernie? Bernie what is it." All of a sudden Bernie's thoughts transformed and she was back on the battlefield.

"Major Wolfe, we need your help over here." Yelled one soldier, Alex. Her ex-lover, well lover at the time. She walked over, as always dreading the sight that would face her. A soldier, one of her men face disfigured and burnt, limbs mangled and barely alive. She didn't expect him to reply when she asked how he was feeling and when she told him that she would do everything she could to save him. She didn't expect him to speak he seemed well past it but his words echoed and stuck with her.

"Don't bother. I'm toxic." In the field of battle soldiers pray to be spared but if that's not the case then they pray for a bullet to kill them cleanly that man's prayers were not answered and he became a side effect of the war or at least that's how he felt.

"Let me die, there's no way I can adjust to normal life. I'll poison my families lives if I live so kill me." He whispered. Not coping with the memories was another side effect.

"Bernie! Bernie!" Finally Serena's cries broke through, she panicked when she realised Bernie wasn't exactly present. But that panic worsened when Bernie suddenly dropped to the floor as if a bomb was about to go off.

"Get down!" She yelled

She was cleaning the man's wounds, doing her level best to salvage him when she heard an IED nearby "Get Down!" She yelled body over the man's and dragging Alex down to the floor she heard loud crashes around her and terror stricken screams as the soldiers around her burned. She could feel a sharp pain in her chest that she couldn't place and then darkness, all pain and sound gone, taken over by the unconsciousness and her mind telling her this was it.

Serena stared in horror as Bernie shivered on the floor tears in her eyes, her hand clutching her chest a d her fingers tracing her scar. Eventually Bernie came back to reality in a shock. "Serena?" She said her whole body shaking as her hands locked in her curls and she sat with her head between her knees gripping her hair tightly.

"Bernie, what just happened, what?"

Bernie just shook her head unable to talk anymore and just recovering from the situation, slowly she lifted herself off the floor ignoring the protests from her back and collapsed in a chair next to the bed grasping Serena's hand

"PTSD." She murmured cautiously "I just had an episode. Sorry."

"Hey no need to apologise you've been to hell and back no wonder."

"Still I know it must be confusing to watch and probably terrifying."

"Well... What happened in the flashback and what was the trigger?"

"I don't answer those questions usually but for you... Your comment 'I'm toxic' and Elinor's declaration of it. Um when I was in the army before that IED exploded near me, I was helping a man who'd all but been exploded, mangled, disfigured anyway he told me to leave him because he was toxic and he'd poison his family when he went home. That bit was just a memory a horrific memory but it was manageable but then it continued into the explosion and... And I remember every detail, the pain. The screams. The darkness." She said wiping away a tear. Her hand automatically going back to her scar.

"I'm sorry." Serena said placing her hand over Bernie's

"Don't worry about it, it happens sometimes there's no cause, sometimes it can be as ridiculous as a person in the street who bears a tiny bit of resemblance to someone I fought with. Its not your fault my darling, I'm just sorry you had to witness it."

"Well at least I know about them now. What do I do if?"

"There's not much you can do, just let it pass. Make contact and you could risk yourself I have been known to be quite dangerous."

"Okay."

"Okay that's all Marcus pretty much called me out for being a freak when he found out. Told me to grow up and you just accept it without making a fuss and..."

"It is okay. Everyone has shit they'd rather not share and its not like you can avoid it."

"Yes but not everyone becomes useless because of stupid memories, stupid, uncontrollable memories."

"Memories can be total shit. I know, you get lost in them and worlds could explode and you'd never notice"

"Well unless those memories are of worlds exploding."

"Oh sweetheart come here" Serena said reaching out and hugging her close.

"Sorry, I should be your shoulder to cry on not the other way round."

"Nonsense you've been my shoulder for this past week whether I accepted it or not, now its my turn."

"Thank you." Bernie just thought about how lucky she was in Serena little did she know Serena was thinking the exact same thing.

"I just wanna..." They both started at the same time "You go first" again together "no you..."

"Serena" Bernie finally interjected. "Thank you, for always being there even when you're not in the best place I just wanted to say how lucky I am to have finally found you. After years of pretending to be someone I'm not you have finally set me free. I love you."

"Bernie... I was going to say the exact same thing." They both burst out laughing and then Serena's face turned to one of grief and guilt. "I'm sorry, it just feels so wrong to be laughing when..."

"I know, I know."

"People always talk about the stages of grief: loss, denial, confusion, anger, guilt, acceptance and they act like there's a strict progression, an order to your grief. They couldn't be more wrong, its not a straight line there aret stages not really, there's just the one... Emptiness."

"I can't imagine what your going through and honestly I have no clue what to say but I know it'll never feel this way but you're not alone and you don't have to cope with this alone, no one can ever fill the space Jason's left but that doesn't mean that they're not there supporting you the entire time."

"I know but no matter how many people you have around you, you'll always feel alone."

"Everyone's in your corner Serena ready to fight your battles, to pick you up and scrape you down and to be that shoulder always there."

"I know. Thank you although I may not be able to believe many people have my back I know you always will and that's enough for me." She said pulling Bernie closer so she could kiss her where they remained frozen in the moment.


End file.
